Single White Female

I now have two banners hung across the A316. Stupidly I forgot to take anything out with me to use to attach the sheets to the footbridge but luckily there is a Wickes just the other side of the footbridge. A few cable ties and voila! I took a little wander round Currys as well. I toyed with updating some of my appliances but it doesn't feel right to just help myself to all this stuff.

I filled the car at the petrol station and helped myself to a bottle of Coke. That was enough larceny for one day.

The thought occured to me there is all this fresh produce sitting in fridges that is going to eventually spoil. The sandwiches in the garage already looked gross. Eventually I am going to run out of all the stuff I take for granted. What about milk? And bread? I am going to need a bigger freezer. Maybe a trip back to Currys is in order.

Talking to Myself

A sleepless night. I was scared to drop off just in case I missed a passing car. If there are other people out there, they must be searching too. All night I stared out the window willing headlights to appear. Nothing. No lights, No car engine. No-one. It was so quiet I could hear my eyes blink. I never even knew that was possible.

 

I haven't watched the sun rise in forever. It is so beautiful but it was wasted on my exhausted eyes.

 

It started to rain about nine o'clock. Heavy, too. The drops slid down the outside of the window like the world was crying. I matched it like for like with tears of my own.

 

I listened to every message left on my answerphone over and over again this morning. It was nice to hear a different voice to my own. Even though most were telemarketers and voices I didn't know, it was comforting. There were other people once. I didn't imagine them.

 

I dragged my sheets from the bed and spread them out on the living room floor. A couple of hours later I have two big banners ready to hang somewhere.

 

The rain continued all day so I stayed inside. I remembered someone gave us one of those electronic picture frames last Christmas so I dug it out of the cupboard and killed some time uploading photos of Ian onto it. Instead of DVDs I watched Ian tonight. I tried to memorise every line and every freckle, wondering all the while if I would ever get to touch him again.

 

 

Empty Promises

1. Stock up cupboards.
2. Make huge banner to hang on the footbridge over A316.
3. Petrol for car.
4. Find someone...
5. Anyone will do...
6. I don't care who it is...
7. Even Gillian Richards would be better than no-one...
8. Even though I still haven't forgiven her for all the hell she put me through at school.
9. If there is a God out there, please don't leave me here on my own

I CAN'T STAND THIS !!!

Home Alone

I was tempted to stay in bed all day. What reason do I have to get up? There's nothing to do and no-one to see. I spent the morning posting messages on the internet. Every forum I belong to, every person in my email address book and a dozen sites where I could access the message board. It is a long shot but I have to do something.

Four days I have been alone. If I knew how long I have to endure this maybe I wouldn't mind so much. If I knew everyone was safe I could just live like this until they return.

This afternoon, I curled up on the sofa with a thick blanket and a tub of ice-cream, and watched DVDs.

Tomorrow I'll write a list of things to do, today I'm happy feeling sorry for myself.

Bare Necessities

I took another long drive this morning, heading down the M3. I don't know what else to do except keep searching. I'm just wasting petrol.

It occurred to me, somewhat belatedly, that there should be cars on the roads. Not everyone works 9 to 5 especially near the airport. There should be vehicles abandoned but there aren't. It's almost like someone tidied up, putting everything back where it should be.

I did a bad thing today. I stopped at the 24 hour Tesco at Sunbury Cross curious to see if it would be open. Strangely it was. I could have driven the car through the huge bi-fold doors and I was tempted for a second to actually try it. Dry autumn leaves and various other bits of litter had been swept through the doors by a breeze and the debris crumpled under my feet as I cautiously crept inside. I stood listening for life but the only sound was the low hum of electricity. I spent the next hour mooching up and down the aisles pretending it was just the usual shopping trip. I didn't go crazy, I didn't put anything in the trolley that I wouldn't normally buy. When I got to the tills I didn't know what to do. I could have gone to the self service and scanned everything but I am ashamed to say I didn't. I left without paying.

Should I feel as guilty as I do? I have never stolen a thing in my life. I am the honest one, the person who admits she's been given too much change. This isn't me at all.

I need help. I need a plan. I need to wake up!!

Running on Empty

This morning, I woke thinking that is the weirdest dream I've ever had. I reached across the bed, felt a cold pillow and realised it's not a dream at all. Either that or I'm still not awake.

I called every person in our address book. No-one picked up. I tried 999 but only got a recorded message, something about technical difficulties. Then I tried random combinations of numbers. Most didn't connect and the ones that did rang endlessly. I was stupid to think anyone would answer. I was just hoping that whatever has happened is limited to Hanworth. No such luck.

The TV is just a blue screen with the legend "No signal is being received". The radio is not picking up any stations at all. The internet is working but the last story on any of the news sites was posted two days ago.

I know I should be panicking but I think everyone must have been taken somewhere - so in my mind that means they are all okay. There's no bodies, no blood, thank God. They just all seem to have vanished in the middle of the night.

It took me a little over an hour to knock on every door down my street. I even peeked through windows. In the few houses that did have open curtains, there was no signs of struggle inside. Nothing looked particularly out of place unless you count the fact all the pets are also missing.

I stood out in the middle of the street and screamed at the top of my lungs. The sound reverberated off the buildings, jumping from house to house. No reaction. No-one came running. No-one shouted out for me to shut up. It's just me.

Most people like to spend some time on their own. It is nice sometimes to not have to think of anyone else. I don't know anyone who would choose to totally disconnect from society and live alone, never having contact with anyone. If they did, people would think them strange. It is in our nature to socialise. We need to interact with other people, even if they are strangers.

I have to find someone - anyone.

I drove for hours. I didn't even know where I was going really. I just needed to check as big an area as possible. I don't think the M25 has been this empty since it was first built. Do motorways get built or laid? Whatever - the world's biggest car park was completely barren. I passed a sign warning "Queues ahead" but I never saw another car. I drove as far as the Watford turn-off before circling the roundabout and heading back. Without really thinking, I detoured onto the M4 and then came off at Hayes. Before I realised it, I was parked outside my mum's house. I couldn't find the courage to walk up the path. The curtains were closed.

My mother is meticulous in her routine. She gets up at six-thirty every morning without an alarm clock. She opens all the curtains before she even puts the kettle on for her morning tea. I didn't have to knock on the door to know she wasn't there.

The tears finally came. Then the rain came and it felt like the world was crying with me. I don't know how long I sat there but it was long enough for the inside of the windows to mist up and for day to turn to dusk.

I drove the long way home keeping off the main roads. I wasn't in any great rush to return to my empty house and spend another evening alone but there was nothing else to do. I was cold and tired and crying makes me hungry.

All By Myself

This morning I woke to an empty world.

The alarm went off at the usual time. I reached across the bed and felt a cold pillow. I presumed Ian had already got up so I punched the button on the clock, rolled back over and snuggled down under the duvet waiting for a call of "Tea's up". I guess I must have dozed off because when I next glanced at the clock a half hour had gone by. I couldn't understand why Ian had let me sleep in. When I called out to him from the top of the stairs but he didn't answer. Shampus didn't even bark like he usually does.

The kitchen was empty, the back door still locked from the night before. No Ian, no dog. Ian's jacket hung on the hook by the front door; his keys and mobile on the hall table. Thinking he must have taken Shampus for a walk and left his keys, I put the front door on the latch and jumped in the shower. I was going to be late but nothing was new there. By the time I'd dried my hair and carefully applied my make-up I was starting to worry. Thoughts raced though my mind, maybe there had been an accident. I left a quick note, "Gone to look for you," and trotted off in the the direction of the local park.

It was pushing eight o'clock yet the streets weren't their usual hive of morning activity. The top of our road is on a major bus route and there are always a queue of people waiting for the 111 to take them to work. The bus shelter was empty. The roads were quiet. There wasn't a single person on the street except me. There wasn't even the usual flock of pigeons that converge on the roof of number three because stupid Mrs. Ford insists on feeding the bloody things every morning. No sound except the clip-clip of my heels as I made my way to the park where Ian takes Shampus for his run.

Our local park is not much more than an uneven open field with a tarmac path around the perimeter. There used to be some swings and one of those wooden climbing frame things but the big kids came along one night and vandalised it all. The council didn't have the money to replace it so now all that's left is a few square feet of that squidgy rubber matting.

I didn't find Ian in the park. There wasn't so much as a squirrel there. The only sound was the wind swishing through the trees and as I stood there listening, I could almost hear my heart pounding. There wasn't even any aeroplane noise. Living under the flightpath, you get so used to it that you tune it out. You automatically turn the tv volume up as they approach and then back down again when they've passed. It becomes second nature. I can't remember what we did before remote controls. Maybe we were constantly getting up.

I've seen panic attacks mistaken for heart attacks dozens of times on tv. The doctor comes in with the chart, flips a few pages and announces with a comforting smile, "You're going to be okay. It was just an anxiety attack." I never really believed that anyone could be foolish enough to mistake the two. Now I know different. I thought I was going to die right there in that crappy little park. I felt my chest begin to tighten, my ears were throbbing, my lungs burning, I clutched at my chest willing my throat to open and let in some air; the pain was unbearable. Trust me, it feels exactly like you would imagine a heart attack to feel.

Of course, I passed out. Lack of oxygen will do that to you.
When I came to and finally gathered the will and energy to get back to my feet, there was nothing to do except head home.

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON????